The PhD Topic

One night a man had a dream. He was walking along a beach with his PhD Topic. It was at night. Hazy moonlight lit the scene with an eerie glow. Sometimes the man could almost touch the PhD Topic, but it would immediately dance out of reach.

The man said: How am I ever to finish if I can't catch you?

The topic said: Hah, hah, good question! This is fate, my friend. This is no ordinary walk. No, this is the rest of your life. Either you may stray to the right, seeking another topic, and end this walk with quiet desperation in the Ocean of Infinite Technical Reports, or you may stray to the left, and lead a life of quiet desperation in the Sorrowful Land of Consolation Prizes. Ah, but the true goal lies ahead! The problem is you don't know the cost of what you seek, nor do you know how long this beach is or where it leads.

The man stopped, crushed with despair. He reached down and quietly played with the sand for a while. Then he laughed and took out a cigarette lighter. Open wide, the man said.

No, the Topic shouted! Don't be silly! The beach is almost over, really! And it leads to the Peaceful Planes of Academic Recognition.

The man laughed again. You said this last year, sorry.

The lighter became a blowtorch. He aimed it at the Topic. The Topic disappeared in a loud swooshing noise. I knew you were just a lot of hot air, said the man. He laughed again, and whistling, ascended straight up into the last open direction, the Ethereal Pleasures of Those Who Don't Want a Topic.

The moonlight danced on. The beach was silent. The man was happy.

- Allan Cargille