Getting Dressed - The Bard of Armagh

Came by the following – is from the ‘Bard of Armagh’ competition.. (right to get the true effect, suppose one should recite it in a South Armagh/North Louth accent - when 'wan' is translated to 'one') .. but still is hilarious.. I’m sure some of you guys will think it funny/true and think of it next time you hear the line "i've got nothing to wear!" .. .


Getting Dressed
If there’s one thing on earth that makes me depressed,
It’s sitting waiting on the wife getting dressed.
I swear till watch her would make you insane.
Some of he antics I’ll try and explain

Now we’re asked out till this fancy ‘do’,
And I’m sitting shining from my head till my shoe.
I’ve shampooed and I’ve shaved and had a wee shower
All done you might say, in a third of an hour.

But Maggie, she’s different, I’ll have you to know.
I can’t think of a word that’s slower than slow.
She won’t have a shower in case she might slide,
So the bath is filled up and Radox applied.

She slaps and she splashes and she sings and she laughs
You’d swear there was a crocodile let loose in our bath.
She rubs and she scrubs and her hair she got set
Is tied back with a scarf in case it gets wet.

Then she dries herself with four towels or more
And the powder she uses is like snow on the floor.
I believe she’s a magician, because from her wee bag with a flap
Our Maggie can produce a full chemist’s shop.

There’s creams and there’s lotions and colours so bright
And wee dainty paint brushes, boys it’s a sight.
There’s lipstick and polish and bottles of spray
And wee things to pull out those hairs that turn grey

Now her make up is on and she’s powdered her nose,
But the worst bit of all is when she’s choosing her clothes
There’s no saying on earth I bet will compare
As a woman complaining that she’s got nothing to wear.

Now in front of the wardrobe she laments and she whinges
And the bloody thing is stuffed to the hinges,
With dresses all sizes and colours so gay
Some meant for the sunshine or a cold winters day

So with wan hand on her hinch and wan on her chin
She examines the contents that’s hanging within.
Then the clanging of hangers rings loud in my head
As a dozen or so outfits are flung on the bed.

I just sit and say nothing for I know that is best.
I’m sitting ready, she’s the wan that’s not dressed.
Now in front of the mirror she’ll stand and she’ll grin
The first wan tried on as she pulls herself in.

She’ll pivot, she’ll smile, she’ll pose and she’ll sway
‘That doesn’t look right’ as she throws it away
The next wan’s the same she tries then she throws
Still complaining ‘I’ve got no bloody clothes’

By now I’m convinced our Maggie’s not wise,
When she’s picking her clothes does she not think of her size
I sit and say nothing, not wan word have I said
As another dress is flung on the bed

It’s maybe just me I’m easy depressed
Or is this the done thing when a woman gets dressed.
She has me all confused. I’m in a terrible state,
The Do was at nine, it’s now ten and we’re late